The Drama Triangle
Have you ever had an interaction with someone when you have both ended up feeling bad and then wondered to yourself why this keeps happening to you or ask yourself “How did that happen again”?
Did you feel surprised at the way things had turned out, yet also realise that this has happened before?
It this is the case then its mostly likely you were involved in a “game” a “Psychological game”. And like any other type of game these are played by predetermined rules of play. It was Eric Berne who first talked about this predictable structure of games and how they could be analysed.
There are many psychological games that we play but this article focuses on The Drama Triangle. It’s informative and interactive. Have fun with it!
What is The Drama Triangle?
The Drama Triangle is the unconscious roles that people take on in stressful and emotional times and during conflict and we can switch back and forth between them in any one interaction with someone.
Being in The Drama Triangle can create more stress and conflict and can also stop people taking on responsibility for themselves
The Drama Triangle was devised by Steve Karpman and is also known as the Karpman Triangle. He suggests that whenever we play psychological games we are stepping into one of the three “scripty” roles of Persecutor; Rescuer or Victim.
Persecutor - someone who puts other people down and therefore goes one-up. They can act actively or be passive in response to the Victim. Discounts others’ value and dignity. Extreme Persecutors may discount other people’s rights to life and physical health.
Rescuer - also goes one-up. They do more than their share and do they things they don’t really want to do. Discounts others’ abilities to think for themselves and act on their own initiative.
Victim - don’t take responsibility for themselves. They will often feel overwhelmed with their feelings or even numb to them. They go one-down. Discounts themselves. If they are seeking a Persecutor, then they agree with the Persecutor’s discounts and view themselves as someone worthy to be rejected and belittled. The Victim seeking a Rescuer will believe that they need the Rescuers help in order to think straight, act or make decisions.
Life Positions
One of the main frameworks we develop as children are our life positions - attitudes which we adopt towards the world.
I’m Ok - You’re OK - This statement reflects a belief system that each of us is of value, each of us has the right to seek to meet our needs, and that we can behave towards others in ways that maximise our chances of getting on with each other. In other words, we can aim for win-win options. As adults we recognise most of the time that this position of mutual respect offers maximum comfort and possibility for getting on with people. When we have a bad day though, we are likely to slide into one of the other life positions and see the world through a distorted frame of reference. Hopefully, we will spend a lot of time here, seeing that people are generally getting along with each other. However, we will also have a variety of supporting beliefs that we can use to operationalise any of the less helpful views of the world. We will revert to these when we are under stress.
I’m OK - You’re NOT OK - We justify feelings of anger or triumph, as clearly the other person is at fault, often accompanied by derogatory comments about them and thinking / saying about how incompetent or inept they are. Often a way of fending off the bad feelings that arise when we think, that we we did something wrong. If this is our usual life position, we will make the most of our opportunity to remind ourselves how other people are so useless. This view prevents us seeing the good in other people. Only we know the right way to think. Our decisions cannot be challenged as no-one has our ability to analyse a situation. According to us, the quality of our judgement is unmatched.
I’m NOT OK - You’re OK - When we or someone else fails to perform as required, we feel bad. If we move into this life position, we feel emotions such as depression, guilt or inadequacy of some kind. If this is is our usual life position, we may stay at this point for a while. we believe we are surrounded by people who are much more capable thinkers than us. We will therefore do our best to get them to do our thinking for us.
I’m NOT OK - You’re NOT OK - Our feelings here are of being alone, unloved, rejected. We have got it wrong again. Here, we are at our most pessimistic and cynical. Either we seem incapable of thinking, or we believe that our thinking will not make any difference. We do our best to discourage others from thinking too, be letting them know what a waste of time it will be.
As the drama triangle is played out, people change roles or tactics. Others in the triangle will then switch to match this.
Sooner or later the Victim, sick of the one-down position, turns on the Rescuer and can become the Persecutor
The Rescuer can become fed up with a lack response or any appreciation of their efforts and can become the Persecutor or become the Victim.
Life Positions
One of the main frameworks we develop as children are our life positions - attitudes which we adopt towards the world.
I’m OK - You’re OK I’m OK - You’re NOT OK
I’m NOT OK - You’re OK I’m NOT OK - You’re NOT OK
Drama Triangle exercise
First of all I’d like you to imagine you’re on one of the corners of the Drama Triangle, you’re either being a Persecutor,; a Rescuer or a Victim. When you’re in this place imagine that you are in a place you know well or recognise - either your own or someone else’s that you see happening around you.
How does it feel? Where are you feeling emotions? Head, heart, gut. What do each of these say to you right now.
Now I’d like you to move round to the next point of the triangle and again. How does this feel? Where are you feeling emotions? Head, heart, gut. What do each of these say to you right now.
Finally take up that third point and again how does it feel? Where are you feeling emotions? Head, heart, gut. What do each of these say to you right now.
NOW Take a minute to write down all the words you can think of that might be applied to a Persecutor; a Rescuer and a Victim
All these Drama Triangle roles are inauthentic because when people are in these roles, they are responding to the past rather than the here and now. They are using old, scripts strategies they decided upon as children to take on board from their parents / other influencers.
This is why the Drama Triangle roles all start with capital letters so as not to be confused with real life persecutors, rescuers and victims
e.g.
a persecutor in all reality is likely to be a Persecutor - such as a dictator, bully, etc
However, a rescuer such as a fire-fighter or doctor is not necessarily a Rescuer as to be a rescuer is their job
Likewise a victim of crime isn’t necessarily a Victim as they may well feel strong enough to deal with what has happened to them.
Remember that these games take place out of awareness. Don’t give yourself a bad time for engaging in The Drama Triangle or give someone else a bad time for them engaging in it. Instead you can change your behaviour by spotting your own involvement in The Drama Triangle - and celebrate that you are noticing it.
You also can’t change anyone else’s behaviour, however you may be able to influence how they respond if you change your behaviour. **also see The Betari Box
Which is your default life position?
Persecutor; Rescuer; Victim
When do you slide into other life positions?
What causes this to happen?
Who pushes those buttons?
Making a Change exercise
Take some time to think about an occasion when you are caught in the Drama Triangle.
Think about:-
What keeps happening to me over and over again?
How does it start?
What happens next?
And then?
How does it end?
How do I feel
How do I think the other person feels?
Step out of the drama triangle rather than engaging in a dance within it.
You can’t make anyone else stop playing games and you can’t stop them trying to hook you into a game. But by choosing to stay out of it (or get back out of it, if you’re already in it), you maximise the chance that you will also invite the other person out of the game.
Karpman also developed the idea that we can choose to transact in whatever way we like. So we can choose new behaviours so at to break out of the familiar, uncomfortable ‘locked’ interactions with others.
How do we get out of it?
What do you think you could do differently?
How might you behave differently at the beginning to change the dynamics and get a positive outcome?
What else can you change in your life so that you no longer need what you get from playing this game?
To stay out of the game or move out of it you can choose to be in the Winners Triangle sometimes called the Success Triangle or the Potency Pyramid.
The Winner’s Triangle
Assertive / Challenger
Responsible / Coach
Vulnerable / Creator
Any technique that the Vulnerable person can use to get themselves thinking about options and consequences is valuable.
In the Responsible role the development of listening skills that involve empathising with the Vulnerable person is required. Listening is frequently the only Caring response needed.
Assertiveness is about getting your needs met without punishing. Self awareness is essential in all three roles.
Move from The Drama Triangle to The Winners Triangle
Now go back to the place you started and I’m going to switch the Drama Triangle into the Winner’s Triangle. Thinking of the same scenario but using the skills in the Winners Triangle of Assertiveness, Listening or Problem Solving. Now - How does it feel? Where are you feeling emotions? Head, heart, gut. What do each of these say to you right now.
Now I’d like you to move round again to the next point of the triangle and again
How does it feel? Where are you feeling emotions? Head, heart, gut. What do each of these say to you right now.
Finally again take up that third point. How does it feel? Where are you feeling emotions? Head, heart, gut. What do each of these say to you right now.
Reflection
What have you noticed about the exercise you’ve just done?
STOP - START - CONTINUE exercise
What will you Stop doing?
What will you Start doing?
What will you continue doing?
If you’d like to know more about this The Drama Triangle and other games we play and find out how Coaching can help you then let’s set up a Zoom call or a phone call
